omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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