did you get engaged???
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
