I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
