You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
