i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
