I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancรฉ bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip ๐๐๐
Your skills amaze me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize