I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
