The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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