Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
