Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
