I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
