My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
