i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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