Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
