All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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