Can i not drive my cunt home
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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