I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
