why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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