Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You ate ashes out of my bong
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
