Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
