ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
sex in a hospital.. check
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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