Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
