All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
