In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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