He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize