there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
