She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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