"it" just moved
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Randomize
