I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
