The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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