see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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