He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
