i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
