I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
