Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize