not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
