Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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