The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize