last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
