Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Let's get the cat blown out
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
