My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize