so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
