dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
