Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
