It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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