It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it's great music for shaving your balls
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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