I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
