you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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