I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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