My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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