Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im holly from the hills drunk
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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