you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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