I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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