i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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