Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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