All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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