Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
