The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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