we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize