The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
