so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize