The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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