ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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