this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
