all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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