So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
