Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
