If that was your dad, he is hot
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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