So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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